Write a Love Letter

Many years ago, during my life coach training at YOU University online, I learned a very effective and healing tool.  Truthfully, I don't use it enough and to my own detriment.  It's writing a Love Letter.
Maia Berens, creator of YOU University online and my coaching mentor, insisted during the whole training on the use of love letters to get in touch with my feelings.....those that I carry around unexpressed and that float around in my insides like an untreated virus.
I've experienced uncomfortable feelings the past few days towards someone I love very much but has crossed time and again what I believe are healthy boundaries.  Because of my difficulty in expressing uncomfortable feelings for fear of abandonment and confrontations, my old behavior is to keep these bottled in and then obsess continuously about them, taking my peace of mind with them.
This morning I remembered the love letter to process my anger towards this person and I immediately began writing them a love letter.
The feelings poured out:  anger, fear, sadness, hurt....and then responsibility (mine) for creating the situation because I allowed it; then understanding, forgiveness and love!
What was magical to me about the whole process was how I became aware of my own part in the whole issue. How my old patterns of behavior, fears, guilt, wanting to feel needed and important, have played a huge part in hindering my relationship with this person.  How I need to learn and practice saying NO, a "NO" that comes from love, instead of a YES that is tainted with fear that then transforms into resentment and anger.   
I feel much better now because I expressed my feelings on paper.  The purpose of the love letter is for me, for going within and bringing to my awareness what is really going on inside of me and what I need to work on and heal.
If you want to know more about love letters from Maia herself, click on this link http://www.task.fm/Love-Letter-Sample-Absolutely-Important-Rules  for the step by step process.

It Feels Really Good!

I'm sitting at home studying (ministerial training of Pathways of Light).  There's a peaceful silence in my home at this time.  It's 9 pm, my son is in his room, and it's quiet outside as well.  It feels so good that I'm motivated to blog about it. 
But it's not just that.  I'm proud of myself because I am experiencing one of my biggest life desires, and that is to support myself, to be able to take care of me. 
I feel that I am finally going within to learn who I am, what it is that I like, what gives me joy.  I'm making wiser choices as to whom I want to have in my life. I also feel healthier in my spirit, in my body and mentally also.  I used to be depressed, anxious and scared of Life.  My desire to heal and to be on my own was very strong and I now am here.
Because of my upbringing, I never learned to choose what was in my best interest.  I didn't know how to trust myself.  This was something vital for me to learn. 
I've done a lot of inner work and I'm in a better place now.  It feels really good.
I met with a friend today, Alicia.  A lovely and spiritual being.  We talked for a long time.  I was surprised at her comment that she was inspired by me, because I was being my own person and that it's possible to be independent as a woman.  Wow.  My life inspires other women.  That's huge for me.
I  continue to move forward with my life.  I trust myself more and am learning to quietly listen to my inner Self, which is different, totally different, from the ego thoughts of fear, lack and dependency that ruled my life in the past.  I have not mastered this yet, but am on the right path and practicing moment to moment.  
It feels really good!

FEELING STUCK

This is a blog about my personal self-discovery journey.  I abandon it for periods of time.  How unfortunate, because each and every day, as I become more self-aware, I learn more about myself and realize where I need healing. It's worth sharing even if only one person out there reads my posts.  Someone may identify and connect with my experience and be motivated to continue on!
I have a habit of creating and attracting situations where I feel stuck.  Over and over (as I look back) I see this tendency repeating itself in my life. I feel stuck in relationships, at jobs, I commit to certain groups and then feel stuck.  Even decision-making is an area I feel stuck in.  I can't seem to tap into what I really want and I go around in circles a lot. 

This stuck feeling creates a sense of suffocation and high anxiety in my insides.  Many times I've run away from the situation and have not resolved it; might just be why it keeps repeating and showing up.
Now that I'm more aware of this tendency of mine, I'm careful what I commit myself to.  This is an area that needs focus and healing and taking responsibility on my part.  It's not going to resolve itself by me running away. 
Somehow, this habit is linked to my fear of confrontation and fearing the eventual results of speaking my own truth.  These are aspects of me that also need awareness and healing. I am more than willing to bring these shadow parts into the Light.  I know I first need to acknowledge them without judgment and work to release them.  

Cheating Can Take Many Forms

Today I was listening to the song Careless Whispers on the radio while driving.  A phrase in the song caught my attention:  "should've known better than to cheat a friend and waste the chance that I'd been given..."
I thought of the word and its meaning, CHEATING.  A friend.  I started to think of how many ways we cheat a friend.  It's not just about playing someone dirty, being unfaithful to a lover with another person.  Cheating can take many forms.
I can cheat a friend by not being authentic, not being myself.
I can cheat a friend by lying to them, deceiving them.
I can cheat a friend by making them think I'm a certain way and turn out to be a different person just to make them like or love me. 
I can cheat a friend when I promise them something and then I don't fulfill it.  
Cheating hurts and when we do it we may lose something or someone we value.  It's best to take responsibility for who we are and be as authentic and real as we can be. 

What is the Most Loving Thing To Do???

It's been very difficult for my brother and me to deal with our father's accelerated aging process.  He just turned 95 years old and caring for him and being present for his needs as he becomes more dependent has been a real emotional, physical and even spiritual challenge. 
It's challenging to keep a loving attitude when he is he adamantly resists receiving our help.  It's challenging when he's bitter and negative towards us because he doesn't accept his reality. 
It's challenging to stay centered and detached yet compassionate.
I had expectations of taking care of my dad and even living with him through his last years and being there for him....it has not turned out that way at all.
I've asked myself over and over, what is the most loving thing to do here? 
How do I remain emotionally balanced, and not be sucked into my dad's negativity and whining attitudes, yet provide him with my presence and support his needs?
My brother and I have also had to deal with the added stress of judgmental extended family wanting to force us to manage the situation according to their standards.  This has brought about unnecessary strain in our caring for our dad's needs.
I am asking myself, what can I learn from this?  How can I practice Love?

• First, love for myself, since this situation brings up feelings of guilt, shame, frustration, and even feeling like the victim....which I have felt at times. 
• Then, love for my father.  It's a constant asking myself.....what is the loving thing to do here for him?  With time I've come to see that what he says and how he behaves are two very different things.  So it's been a real trial and error practice to intuit what's really happening and what needs to done.  
• Third, dealing with the extended, toxic family that my own father has invited into the situation and has created by putting them against my brother and myself.

I have had to pray, journal, write love letters, to reach for answers within.  There really is no manual to follow.  Only from within have I been able to find the peace and inner knowing of what is the most loving thing to do for all involved.  And this is day to day, moment to moment.
I know there are many out there caring for their elderly parents who deal with similar situations and feelings.  It can be a blessed opportunity to practice self love, and love for another in a detached yet compassionate way.  It is an opportunity for going within and finding what feels right in a truly difficult situation.  I'm learning to practice balance, inner stability, and doing what the situation calls for not allowing my father or anyone else to manipulate me or the situation.  I have actually come to a place of inner peace and self trust.  I am doing the best I can in a very emotionally loaded situation.  And that's a hell of an experience. 

My Valentine

Yesterday was Valentine's Day.  I enjoyed all the love energy going around, especially on Facebook.  I myself posted a happy greeting to all my contacts. 
At this time in my life I'm not in a relationship.  Years back, being single on a day like Valentine's would have aroused feelings of loneliness and isolation.  It was motivation to feel melancholy and sad, and wishing I had someone to share with. 
Yet yesterday for me was completely uneventful.  I made no effort to choose to be joyful.  I just felt fine.  I am ok with where I'm at.  I'm actually enjoying this time with myself, and learning to nurture a relationship with my Self, for the first time.   
When I notice things like this, it makes me happy to realize the results of practicing self-love and surrendering to Life just as it is.